“You have no idea
how difficult it is to begin.” I took a sip of water.
“Just start at the
point where you feel the most comfortable.” He pressed record on
his tape player. “How long have you been dealing with this?” he
asked.
“This is all
relatively new to me,” I said, “but it has been building in
intensity over the past few years.”
“Has it always
been this severe?”
“That just began.”
I couldn't maintain eye contact with the man asking me these
questions. I looked instead at the wall behind him and focused on
the framed diplomas he had there. Rutgers man. I never saw Rutgers.
Somewhere in New Jersey. That's where the Devils play.
Hockey.
Ice.
“Mr Granger?”
“What? Who are
you?” I demanded. I didn't recognize this man or where I was. I
was scared. “What am I doing here? Am I in trouble?”
“Do you know where
you are, Mr Granger?” he asked.
“Of course I do.
I am sitting in a chair, yours by the look of it. What have I done?
Why do you have me here?” The door was close. If he became
dangerous, even as old as I am, I could make it in time.
“You asked to see
me, Mr Granger. My name is Doctor Ford. I am one of the nation's
foremost experts on memory disorder and we are here in my office
because you made an appointment to see me.”
“I think I
would remember doing such a thing.” I said.
“That is why you
are here, Mr Granger.”
I looked at the man
before me. He sat calm and relaxed. He had the look of a teacher or
a professor. Someone who demanded attention. Someone who had
answers. “Did I slip again?” I asked.
“Yes. What do you
remember this time? About just now. Do you recall any specific
feelings or memories?”
“No. Not really.
I saw your diploma. Rutgers. That's in New Jersey, isn't it?”
“Yes. Does that
hold any significance for you?”
“Hockey,” I
said. “The Devils play there. I remembered watching the Stanley
Cup on television in a dark room with wooden walls. A lot like your
office. What did I say?”
“You thought you
were in trouble.” he said.
“It must have been
because you look like an authority type. Always had an issue with
that type.” I said.
“Well, I am a
doctor.” he said.
We laughed.
“Do you remember
the slip?” he asked.
“Vaguely.” I
said. “It's like a TV show I watch from the corner of my eye while
I am busy doing something else. I have an idea of what is
going on but no idea regarding the who or the why. That
seems to be a common thread with these episodes. I feel like I am
watching someone else's life unfold but I have no idea why I am
there.”
“Alzheimer’s
doesn't have any rules, Mr Granger.” he said. “It has some
common threads across its tapestry but it is precocious. It will
throw you curve balls that make even us experts swing and miss.”
“What have I got
to look forward to?” I asked.
“How frequent are
these slips?” he ignored my question.
“Random. I was
getting one a day, sometimes more. They seem to be triggered by
memories. I get off on a thought tangent and my mind wanders. Once
it gets going down that path it has a tendency to keep going that
way, like a car rolling down an icy hill.”
“That is one of
the common threads. How much of your self do you maintain in these
slips? Your true self.”
“No idea. If by
self you mean I know what I am, then a bit. I really lose the who
and the why but the what remains constant. It's like I am plucked
from a past memory and dropped into a current one with no context.
The only constant is the feeling of total dread that overcomes me.”
I took a drink.
“Before. You
mentioned you felt you had done something wrong. Is this also
common?”
I paused. “Yes.
These slips always center on the feeling that I have done something
wrong; like I have intruded into someone else's story or I am being
called to the carpet for something I have no knowledge of. The
recurring feeling is one of blame. Blame focused on me.”
“Delusions of
persecution are the most common in Alzheimer’s patients, but often
the fear is of loss, as if someone were trying to steal from you. In
your case I think it stems from your own feelings of guilt. It is my
guess you somehow feel responsible for your disease, as if you
brought it upon yourself. I have referenced this as the Leper
Mentality stemming from the Middle Age belief that Leprosy was
somehow self-inflicted. It was thought of as an ailment brought down
on one due to living an impure or unclean life. I can assure you now
that there is nothing you have done or not done that brought this
disease upon you. Regardless of what any televised charlatans say,
there is neither a magic berry or super fruit you could have eaten
nor any vice you could have avoided that would have prevented this.
In truth, Mr Granger, you were born with this disease and it has been
lurking deep within you biding its time until your body's natural
recuperative powers waned with age. Anyone who tells you different
is from Oz and is trying to sell you something rather than being
truthful with you.”
“I believe you,
Doctor. I really do. But I know deep-down in my subconscious, in
that part of me that is immune to outside influence that it doesn't
matter. That is the part of me in the driver's seat when I slip and
no one can reach that particular version of me because it is
impossible to hold. Like Mercury in your palm.”
“That is the true
face of this disease, Mr Granger. The blank subconscious face of
nearly every Alzheimer’s sufferer in existence. You retain the
essential sliver of yourself but you lose all the context. This is
not something a Psychiatrist like myself can fix I can only explain
it to the you that remains constant in the hopes that it provides you
with a base. It is my hope the part of you that refuses to
participate in your life might someday see that as well, but it is
not something I hold a lot of faith in.”
“This must be what
Hell is like, Doctor Ford. The constant cycle of on and off I
endure. It feels like a carousel ride sometimes. Like I keep moving
past the same point on a circle but sometimes I just don't recognize
it. I stopped traveling in a straight line a long time ago. I just
cover the same ground over and over again and at no point in this
does that slipping part of me understand or even acknowledge that
fact. It is left to the tired and old me to sort out the pieces when
I come to my senses. I owe thanks to my dear son for putting me in
this institution because now, when I 'return' I am always here where
it is safe instead of having wandered off to God knows where. I woke
up one time in an Adult theater. No idea how I got there.”
“I read that in
your file. It must have been frightening.”
“No. The terrifying part is the blanks. The parts I never remember. The terrifying part is how I feel when I have no understanding of my surroundings. I slipped while standing in line one time. I somehow remember staying in the line even though I had no idea how or why I was in it. When I got to the counter, I was crying. I told the attendant behind the counter that I had no idea who or where I was. They checked my wallet, called my son and now I am here. Safe.”
“No. The terrifying part is the blanks. The parts I never remember. The terrifying part is how I feel when I have no understanding of my surroundings. I slipped while standing in line one time. I somehow remember staying in the line even though I had no idea how or why I was in it. When I got to the counter, I was crying. I told the attendant behind the counter that I had no idea who or where I was. They checked my wallet, called my son and now I am here. Safe.”
“Yes, this is a
safe place, Mr Granger. It is my belief that now that you are in an
environment that has removed that factor that your slippages may
wane, if not in number, than perhaps in severity as your feelings of
sanctuary grow. While you will never be free of this disease, its
effects upon you will loosen their hold and allow you to enjoy what
remains of your life.”
“Thank you,
Doctor. That is very reassuring.”
“Thank you,
Doctor. That is very reassuring...very reassuring”
“You have no idea how difficult it is to begin.” I took a sip of water.
**********
“What's up
with him?”
“Alzheimer’s.
He's one of the new ones. Has this conversation over and over with
some invisible doctor. He hasn't eaten in days. I think he's a
goner. Got no family to claim him. We found him in an Adult Movie
theater having this conversation and he hasn't stopped.”
“That's sad.”
“Yeah. I guess so.
What are we serving these guys for dinner tonight?”
“Meatloaf.”
--end--
Getting lost and being too far from home gives me great anxiety, and the most basic home we have is our mind, so not being able to find your way back there... terrifying. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteThe truth is this theme scares me more than ANY kind of ghost or monster because it is your own body that is the enemy here. Again, not sure if it's appropriate for a Halloween Story, but in the greater scheme of things it's a horror story and when I publish this compilation, I can call them that.
ReplyDeleteI may do like I did last year and write another one that is a true Halloween tale, but for now, this will do.
Thanks. :)